Up or Down?

On Wednesday Gabi and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary at Gladfield. We have known each other a little over 16 years the same age as our business and it has been an absolute blast all that time. Yes, we have had a few good ding dong battles but like they say making up is the best part!

Every morning I wake up, the first thing I ask Gabi is “what did you dream about love.” Not what most blokes probably ask their better half first thing, but I reckon the answer always gives you a good idea of what you might be in for over the next 24 hrs.

Anyhow the other day Gabi surprised me, you see 9 times out of ten Gabi generally replies with, “Nothing”. That generally means not to expect anything unusual for the day. This particular time she replied, with a real glint in her eye, “I dreamed I was having an affair!” The mere fact Gabi actually responded with something other than “nothing” made me sit up, quick as a flash I replied, “well I hope he was good looking” she looked at me and said slowly “No he was tall, ugly, and farted a lot in bed!” then she gave me a big wink, “Ya big April fool!”

Now having a sense of humour in our family is essential. However, times have changed, and it is getting harder to negotiate what is acceptable and what isn’t when it comes to taking the micky out of people who are outside the family circle. Nowadays some people can be a little precious.

I remember one April fools day getting on the school bus and telling the bus driver he had a flat tyre. He got off and inspected each tyre carefully. When he got back on the bus, he was met with rapturous applause as we all pissed ourselves with laughter. I got the cane for that, but it was worth it. I remember another time tipping a bucket of water over a teacher’s head while she entered the classroom. That wasn’t quite so worth it, I nearly got expelled for that one!

Then there was the time we thought it would be funny to shove a turnip up the exhaust pipe of our science teacher’s car. He had been teaching us the finer points of expansion and contraction and how the combustion engine worked. He had started distilling his own ethanol to run his car on. We thought this experiment with a turnip would go off with a bang, and with a bit of luck, the teacher would shit himself in the process! We all hid in the bushes and waited as he turned on the ignition to go home for lunch. But nothing happened the car started with its usual splutter, it wasn’t until he managed to get up a bit of speed going down the main street of town that his entire exhaust system all of a sudden exploded. It sent a giant fireball shooting out from under his car! It wasn’t just the Science teacher that shit himself but most of the pedestrians. After that incident, everyone began to call him “the mad professor”. I must admit we were very sheepish for a while after that. Luckily there was nothing left of the turnip for evidence!

It is amazing what you can do with a car exhaust. I remember emptying the entire contents of a grease cartridge which we use on the tractors into the exhaust pipe of my Sister and brother-in-laws Toyota Landcruiser on their wedding day just before they left for their honeymoon.

Tractor grease has a high flashpoint but hell does it smoke when it starts to heat up. As you can imagine after about 50 Klms a car exhaust can get pretty hot especially when you are anxious to get to the honeymoon sweet with your new bride and you’ve got a lead foot among other things! You guessed it, it was not too long before my brother-in-law and my sister began to attract some unwanted attention! You can imagine what happened after that. I did offer to buy the vehicle off him the next day at a cheap price, as I explained, it costs a fortune to re-do the rings in one of those fancy Toyota Landcruiser’s.

Anyhow, on any given day you can guarantee that some of us will be up and some of us will be down. It’s our job at Gladfield to make sure when we are up, we pull those that are down back on their feet. If you’re feeling a bit down the best thing to do right now is get hammered drinking some beer with Gladfield inside. It seems to be working for most of the people I am talking to and remember you should never ask your wife what she dreamed of last night, she just might surprise you! Better to get straight to the point and ask her “up or down”!

Take care.

Doug Michael
Director and Maltster